Archive for July, 2012

An adventure…

July 24, 2012

is what tomorrow will be as Juliet and I fly to Utah.  I hope she’ll be good on the plane!  I thought I’d leave you with this awesome video of Juliet laughing.

 

Justin had to go to rotation and work on the 4th of July so I decided to take Juliet to the parade in downtown Hendersonville, NC.  The parade was kind of lame but she seemed to enjoy watching everything that was going on.

Juliet got a good kiss from this guy…

Waiting for things to get started…

I have no idea why this pig was in the parade.

Brianna ~ senior

July 13, 2012

When I pulled up to Brianna’s house I didn’t know a beauty queen was going to walk out!  If she were in a beauty pageant she’d win hands down.  I wish we could’ve got some in her other uniform too…a military uniform as she was involved with it in school.  We had fun and wish her the best in her college career endeavors!

 

 

First.  I’m really not good at writing.  Second.  I’m even more not great at expressing myself publicly.  I’ve debated about posting this for months now and I finally decided that it will continue to bug me until I do it and maybe it might help someone out there.

Before I get started, let me just say that I love Juliet like crazy and life is better/harder because of her.  She makes me smile, laugh, frustrated at times, and grateful for being able to be a mother.  I didn’t post a lot about my pregnancy but when I did I tried to make it seem like I was excited and loved being pregnant…not true.  I didn’t love it because I had a horrible pregnancy, in fact I had a really EASY pregnancy physically.  I really just had back pain for the last month or so, leg/foot cramps during the night and I was on edge with people at work :)

The mental part of it was a different story.

If you know me, you know that I don’t like being the center of attention and I like to keep to myself so having questions asked every single day about me and the baby was out of my comfort zone.  I felt like like my personal space was being a little invaded.  Why did someone need to know if I was going to breastfeed or not?  Why did someone need to know if I was getting an epidural?  Why did someone need to know why I don’t like the color pink?  Why do people need to tell me I can’t do certain things (I was stubborn and did things anyways)?  Why did people feel they needed to tell me things to eat and not eat?  Why do people feel they need to touch a pregnant belly (for the record I had only one instance and it totally caught me off guard..everyone at work knew there would be no belly touching)?  Was my hospital bag packed (no because we lived directly across the street from the hospital…packed it the day I started having contractions)?  I know I probably sound crazy and rude and when I look back at it I know people were just being concerned and trying to help.

Another thing I couldn’t do is refer to Juliet as “baby” when she was in utero.  She was an “it” until she was born.  It didn’t feel right to call her “baby” or “her”.  Mentally I did not feel connected to the growing fetus inside so I didn’t ever refer to her as a person…a baby.  I didn’t like feeling her move inside and sometimes it made me feel sick.  It just isn’t normal seeing your stomach move because there is something inside you!  I really didn’t know how to explain the way I felt and didn’t really express it until the latter part of the pregnancy to Justin and my mom.  I didn’t understand why I wasn’t one of those girls that “love the baby so much already” and they are in their 1st or 2nd trimester.  I didn’t get it.  This is not what I expected to feel.  Why couldn’t I be happy?  Justin and my mom encouraged me that I wasn’t the only girl out there that felt this way while being pregnant and my mom had even found a good article that helped.  That’s why I decided to write this post because maybe it could help someone too.  I never expressed these feelings to my OB/GYN until my follow up appointment after Juliet was born.  Maybe if I would’ve expressed these feelings earlier on with her she could have helped too.

At one point, in my second trimester I believe, I was outside walking Ruca and I just kept thinking to myself “I just want it out…I don’t want it anymore.”  Tears are welling up as I’m writing this because how could I think like that?  I was carrying a life when a lot of women can’t have that opportunity.  I was being ungrateful but I couldn’t get past my negative thought processes.

I was really worried that since I had these feelings during pregnancy that I would have postpartum depression.  Luckily I didn’t and all those feelings went away immediately after giving birth and seeing her, HER!  No longer an “it”!  I absolutely LOVED labor.  It probably helped that I had a wonderful nurse and doctor!  I didn’t have my original doctor and was so glad the on-call doctor was the other female OB.  I really didn’t want a man present down there :)   Everything went so smoothly and the nurse just couldn’t believe how quite and stoic I was the entire time.  I really didn’t make one peep and yes I did have an epidural at about 6-7 cm dilated.  Labor was beautiful…the best feeling to experience after feeling the way I did during pregnancy.  I know a lot of women deal with postpartum depression and I can’t imagine what they go through.  I’d rather deal with my emotional thought craziness during pregnancy than dealing with it once your baby is here.  I felt like a weight was lifted off my shoulders once Juliet was born. She was beautiful.  We had a daughter.  A healthy beautiful baby girl.

This post really isn’t meant as a pity post.  The more I’ve expressed the way I felt while being pregnant, the more I’ve found that other girls felt the same way.  It’s just not something that is talked about often so I hope this helps one person, if not it’s fine too.  I love being a mother and even though she has been a terd (yes a terd) the past couple days, I love her.  I look at her and hope that one day we will have the same relationship as my mom and I.  It’s crazy to say I have a daughter and that I’m a mother but it’s a such a blessing to be able to have a child.  Since I haven’t updated the blog with pictures of her, here are a few.  I hope to start being better about blogging about her so I can remember things she does and my thoughts and feelings at the time.

Here is the insert of her birth announcement.  It had a cute turquoise/velum polka dot wrap thing that went around it then tied with a coral ribbon.

 

Our first family shoot at 9 days old.  Taken by my wonderful mother.

3 months.  Taken by my mother.  Justin looks really happy here ;)

6 months.  Taken by Rachel with Millie Holloman Photography.  Who I assist with second shooting on weddings.

And most recently 9 months.  Taken by my mother again!

If you’re still reading here’s the story behind her name.  Juliet was actually nameless for about 1 1/2 days.  Justin and I talked about names a little bit before she was born and we kept liking names from the TV show “LOST.”  We liked Penelope, Kate, Charlotte, Naomi, Justin liked Eloise, Claire, and Juliet.  I really liked the name Kate but it just didn’t go with Beck and Naomi didn’t seem right.  I asked Justin for more input on names and when he mentioned Juliet again…it just clicked and seemed like the right name.  Yes we really liked LOST and loved spending time together watching it.  I’m sure some people think we are crazy but it’s not their child :)